You could say I took a break from posting for a while. It was unintentional but that’s what happened. After the craziness of August’s IUI-turned-IVF-then back to-IUI and the subsequent negative result, I needed to get away from writing and thinking about infertility. We did have a consultation with the dr. about what happened and our options. We’ve decided that we are not going to mess around with more IUI cycles. That one was traumatic enough. The dr. agrees. He thinks that it would be traumatic for us both emotionally and financially. So we are going to do IVF next. When that “next” time will be… that I do not know. I just know that now is not the time.
Several weeks ago I came to the realization that what was propelling me forward in this treatment was not my desire for a baby. It definitely started out that way. Now it is more about finding out whether I will be able to get pregnant. That’s the big question. I don’t think it is a good enough reason to try to make a baby (especially through such an arduous and expensive technique). So we aren’t. Not until that desire to have a baby comes back.
Even then it might not be for a little while. I have also realized how important it is to me to move ahead professionally right now. I’ve been a student for 22 years straight. I went straight from college to grad school. I am in my last year of my doctoral program. I’m supposed to graduate in the spring and I don’t want anything to get in the way. In many ways, getting my doctorate has been like a difficult pregnancy. I am late in that last trimester and I want that baby to come out. The process has transformed me in ways both amazing and uncomfortable. I am very thankful for the opportunity. But I need to push this degree out. I need to see the fruition of my labor. It may not be as cuddly or cute as an infant, but that degree is going to be beautiful. I await it with eagerness and anticipation. I can’t wait to see what lies ahead for me professionally. This degree has been my baby and perhaps I need to give birth to it before I give birth to a child.
So we are waiting. In the meantime I increased the dosage of metformin to 1000 mg based on the dr.’s recommendation (I have been taking 500 mg because 1000 mg made me so sick I could not keep anything down). I’m doing okay with it. I have a low appetite and cannot eat as much at one time. I also cannot easy greasy foods unless I want to throw up and feel sick the entire next day. That lesson has been difficult for me to learn for some reason. But I am thankful that I can keep food down. I’m also going to start acupuncture. Basically, we are leaving the door open for a pregnancy to occur (not probable but perhaps a tiny bit possible) but we are not actively trying.
This week I did have a couple thoughts like “oh, it would not be bad to have a baby.” I take that as a good sign. Maybe the desire will come back. For awhile now I pushed that desire down because it was too painful. We’ll see what happens. We are not in a rush. The dr. told us that people like us (26 years old; healthy except for pcos; no male factor) do not walk out of their clinic without a baby. I thought that was pretty bold but it made me feel much more comfortable with waiting. So I’m choosing to believe that the answer to my question “will I be able to get pregnant” will probably be “yes” and that gives me the freedom to wait for the time that feels most right.